Facebook 101 Part 3

Welcome to the fabulous world of social networking! Now that you've singed up for Facebook and got you profile set up, it's time to add your friends and hopefully meet some new ones. I know, all the excitement, it's hard to contain. Everything is so fresh and new. But you need to be careful, too. Because everybody has a Facebook personality. So here's my guide to you, on which Facebookers to avoid.

The Ghost

This is the person you may have added 6 months ago and are now starting to worry is dead. They have a Facebook, but they're never online. They may log on every 8 months just to change their profile picture, comment on a thing or two, and log off. In that period of time, you feel like you have to get whatever ti is you need to say to that person on their wall or in their inbox ASAP before the little fuck logs off. Sometimes, they even log off mid-chat. Like, seriously, bitch? Don't fucking chat me if you're gonna log off whil I'm trying to tell you about my dying armadillo. Just tell me you're not interested (I don't know why you wouldn't be).

But seriously, this person has the same profile picture for two years of them and their grandma, who probably died in the midst of that two years so please update it. Also, don't log on after 8 months and comment on something I said 8 months ago.

Hannah posted on George's wall: "Hey George I had fun hanging out last week, we should go fishing again." (From May 12, 2011)
George commented on Hannah's post: "yeah me too." (January 3, 2012)
Hannah commented on her own post: "I hate you." (January 3, 2012)

If it is this extreme, screw them. I don't wanna be Facebook friends with Casper the friendly ghost.

Facebook 101 Part 2

Welcome to the fabulous world of social networking! Now that you've singed up for Facebook and got you profile set up, it's time to add your friends and hopefully meet some new ones. I know, all the excitement, it's hard to contain. Everything is so fresh and new. But you need to be careful, too. Because everybody has a Facebook personality. So here's my guide to you, on which Facebookers to avoid.

The Photo Hoe

Now, this girl may be some random from school or your best friend; doesn't matter. You need to either tell this bitch to stop or block all her posts. This Facebooker is the one girl who:

-Uploads a new picture everyday
-Changes her profile picture 12 times in one day
-Has 27394 photo albums with 38572 pictures each
-Tags the world in her photos so they're forced to comment
- Extreme Photoshopper (A Cup in real life, D Cup on Facebook)

And the worst offense: ASKING people to like her pictures. (in some cases, begging)

She may be a pretty girl, hooray. But in most cases, she's a wannabe hoe who seeks valedation by the number in front to the little thumbs up on Facebook. And it maybe the same pose (duck face :* ), or the same place (her bedroom, her bathroom, her cat's litter box). She may wear shorts that show her pubic hairs or the pictures of her and her friend at the beach in their bikinis (yay, we drove for 4 hours to get to the beach just so we can get some likes). The girls who take pictures of themselves with a camera, PISS OFF. I don't know what exactly is the explaination for why some girls do this, other than the fact that it's a sickness, a disease: I-have-a-high-tech-camera-so-now-I-think-I'm-a-photographer-and-model syndrome. Eh, my advice to you, if it doesn't bother you, let the bitch be. But if it does, block her posts NOoOoW.

Facebook 101 Part 1

Welcome to the fabulous world of social networking! Now that you've singed up for Facebook and got you profile set up, it's time to add your friends and hopefully meet some new ones. I know, all the excitement, it's hard to contain. Everything is so fresh and new. But you need to be careful, too. Because everybody has a Facebook personality. So here's my guide to you, on which Facebookers to avoid.

The Stranger

Of course, I have to start off with the obvious red flag. You log on and find a friend request from Barney Ray Charleston and you only have 2 mutual friends. You've never met in real life. Yet, you only need 1 more friend to get from 199 to 200 friends on Facebook.




So you add Barney. 3 seconds later, you get a message:

Barney Ray: Heey sexy;) where do you live?
...Barney is typing.....
Barney Ray: wanna skype?

And soon you get 1 notification...that turns into 6.....that turns into 60.
 Barney Ray commented on your photo: "I wanna feel your insides."
Barney Ray commented on your photo: "You make me happy."
Barney Ray posted on your wall: "I love you"

Yeah, I'm sorry, I know how much you need the numbers, but you need to block and delete ASAP. It's funny to tell your friends about, but you need to delete this person before they eventually find you. I mean, I'm not saying they could, but I'm just point out the possibility. I know for a fact that I don't wanna be a dismembered body in the dumpster in the back of some weirdo's apartment. But seriously, if something like this is happening, please delete them. And block them. And if you really feel unsafe, report them. Mark Zuckerberg'll handle it lyke a B0$$.

How to truly celebrate Valentine's Day

Ah,hate love. It can make you do crazy and stupid things. Like scale a building. Or pick up a car. Or fly halfway across the country just to say "I love you", shoot, it can even make you take a bullet for the one you love (pun intended). But let's be real here. Nowadays, love isn't like this. But Valentine's Day plays it out this way. Valentine's Day can only be defined one way and one way only: A fat baby with arrows goes around shooting people in the ass so that they'll give their significant other candy and flowers and cards and jewelry and such. I mean, there's nothing wrong with gifts, but shouldn't you show the one you love that you care all 365 days of the year? (366 for a leap year, just sayin').

For Valentine's Day this year, I found myself single again, for the second year in a row. So what do I do? Ahead of time, kiss everyone of my friends asses in hopes that one of them will look deep into their hearts and buy me things. And as much as I love my friends, I wasn't really feeling the whole give and receive method. I'm more of a receive and leave kinda gal. No, I'm kidding<3 But on a serious note, I saw some serious fuckery taking place around me this year. Guys and girls buying each other life sized teddy bears (that will later turn into a psycho serial killer on a full moon), chocolates for days (so that when the other gets fat, they can break up with them for that reason), and cards (I LURVE YOU? You might as well said "I don't give a shit about you"). I even saw a Facebook valentine or two (Jane Doe posted on Bob Barry's Wall: hey babe xoxo happy vday ---Bob Barry commented on Jane Doe's post: ily 2<3 ; what he should've commented "DB<3" (die bitch)). Like, come on people, if you're gonna be stupid, don't celebrate at all. Do everyone a favor and BREAK UP.

I feel that there is no true meaning to Valentine's Day because you should treat your significant other like a king/queen/duke (duke for the transgenders), everyday. ONE DAY should NOT be the definition of your ENTIRE relationship. If it wasn't working in the first place, Valentine's Day and a pack of Valentine colored M&M's isn't gonna make a difference